Awakening in a Silent World
The fluorescent tube above the bed buzzed at a frequency that belonged to no decade in particular. It was the first thing Ethan heard, and for a long while it was the only thing. The paper gown clung to his back in the cooled, sour way of a sweat that had dried and re-dampened and dried again. Somewhere down the hall, a door eased shut. A pause. It eased shut again. Then, with a patience that felt almost considerate, a third time. His eyes opened onto a ceiling tile with a brown bloom in one corner, shaped like a country he could not name. He thought, briefly, that he had been looking at it for a while. He thought, also briefly, that he had no way to test that.
His hand, when he lifted it, surprised him. It was his hand. It was also not. The skin had gone loose at the knuckles in a way that suggested either a long illness or someone else's wrist entirely. He turned it slowly in the buzzing light. There was a plastic band around it with a name he recognized, printed in a font he didn't. A woman came in. Older, soft around the eyes in the way of people whose softness has been practiced. She said his name in a voice already tuned to him, as though she had said it earlier that morning, and the morning before. She said, we're so glad you're back with us. She did not say from where. He asked how long. The question came out cracked, the consonants unsteady, and he was surprised at the sound of his own throat.
A very long time, she said. She smiled. The smile arrived a half-beat after the sentence, the way a translation arrives a half-beat after the original. Dr. Reeves will explain. We'll get you something to eat. We'll take it slow. The we did a lot of work in those sentences. He noticed it the way a man notices a stone in his shoe before he has decided what to do about it. She brought broth. She brought a cup of water with a bend in the straw. She adjusted a blanket that did not need adjusting and left the door open four inches, no more, and he listened to her shoes go down the corridor at a pace that was not quite a walk and not quite a stroll, but something rehearsed between the two.
When he sat up, the room tilted in a direction rooms are not supposed to tilt. He waited for it to stop. He put one foot, then the other, on a floor that was colder than he expected and farther away than it should have been. His legs were thinner than his memory of his legs. He could not produce a memory of his legs to compare them to, exactly, only the shape of an assumption, and the assumption did not match.
He walked. It was generous to call it walking. He used the wall, and then the rail along the wall, which someone had thought to install, and then the doorframe, and then the wall again. The corridor stretched away under the same buzzing light, doors on either side mostly closed. He passed a station where a younger woman in scrubs sat with her back very straight, typing. He waited for her to look up. She did not look up. She typed with the focus of a person who had been told, specifically, not to look up.
He kept going. At the end of the hall there was a sign with an arrow and a word he had once known well. Exit. The arrow pointed down a stairwell that smelled faintly of paint, and he took the stairs the way an old man takes stairs, which is to say he took them as a negotiation. The ground floor opened into a small vestibule. Glass doors. Beyond them, a parking lot in early light, and beyond that, the soft outline of a town that he understood, in some pre-verbal place, was his. He felt his chest do something it had not done upstairs. He put his hand on the push-bar. The bar did not move. He looked down.
A zip-tie had been threaded through the bar and the frame and pulled tight. It was bright orange, the orange of road crews and hunting vests, and it was new. The plastic still had the high gloss of something unhandled. No dust in the ridges. No yellowing at the lock. Someone had put it there recently. Someone had put it there on purpose. He pushed again, more from disbelief than hope. The bar gave a quarter inch and stopped against the tie with a small, definite sound.
At the far end of the corridor behind him, a nurse had paused with a clipboard against her hip. The older one. She was looking at him. She saw him see the tie. She saw him understand that she had seen. And then, without hurry, without a word, she turned and walked the other way, her shoes making that same rehearsed sound on the linoleum, neither alarmed nor unalarmed, as if his discovery had been one of several possible mornings and she had been briefed on all of them.
He stood there a while. The vestibule was very quiet. The glass of the door had gone dark against the brighter outside, and in it he found a man he did not entirely recognize. Gaunt at the cheeks. Grey along the jaw in a stubble that was not a choice. A gown printed with tiny blue diamonds, the pattern of a thing meant to be glanced at and forgotten. One hand still resting, uselessly, on the bar. He looked at the reflection. The reflection, patient, looked back.
